PhD Anxieties & Enjoying the Moment

Last week I went to a forum for prospective PhD students. We spoke with students currently enrolled in PhD programs, as well as young professors who recently graduated from PhD programs. While there was positive feedback from most, there are inevitably some rather gloomy details about graduate school that tend to sometimes weigh out the good, including (but not limited to) the extreme stress of obtaining a degree and writing a dissertation, a very bad job market, very competitive PhD programs, and a lack of tenure teaching jobs. While I am painfully aware of such realities, the forum brought so many “What if?” questions to the forefront of my mind.

I came back to my apartment and called my mother (aka Ultimate Source of Wisdom and Encouragement) and she said, "Are you enjoying what you're doing right now? If so, let that be enough." Although at first it seemed like overly simple and sentimental advice, when I sat down at my kitchen table that night to write a paper, her words returned to me. Am I enjoying what I am doing right now? Right in this moment? Well, yes. Yes, I am. 

I am reading many new books--some that I love, some that I don't love, but all that I appreciate. I am being exposed to new sets of ideas that can inform my life both within and beyond the walls of the university. I am engaging in deep discussions about race, gender, and sexuality with like-minded people. I am becoming a better writer and researcher. I am writing about the relationship between ideology, culture, and literature. I am developing a new vocabulary. I am being taught how to be an active and critical reader. My mind is being stretched and I am learning something new every day. And I am doing that all for free, because I’ve been blessed with complete tuition remission. How many people have the privilege of taking two years of their life to dedicate solely to reading, writing, researching, and discussing that which is meaningful to them? There may be no other time in my life that I can do something like this, and some never get the luxury at all.

It dawned on me that even if I don’t get my PhD—even if I were to go in a completely different direction after my MA degree—I am still blessed with the unique experience to study what I love, with no financial hardships. PhD or no PhD, I still graduate as a richer person, equipped with a broader vocabulary and knowledge, as well as a unique set of experiences that both challenged and fulfilled me. Most importantly, here in this very moment (all that's truly guaranteed anyway) I am enjoying what I am doing. And for now, that's enough.